Home at Last February 25, 2007
Posted by joycesykes in Assignments.trackback
With no idea which way to turn or what to do, I struggled with fear and apprehension. I had come to the end of myself. Self-hatred loomed on my horizon daily, surrounding my every thought and movement.
It seemed as if the people at this new church we were attending had some answers, but rumors in this small farming community were flying throughout the gospel mill. They were witches, a cult or just plain crazy. Others called them, Holy Rollers, or fanatics; warning everyone to stay away. Yet, when we attended their meetings, I was fascinated by the pastor’s actions during the singing. He would close his eyes and lift his arms toward the ceiling. He seemed to have a personal thing going on with GOD!
We would stay for a few weeks, and then Fred’s preaching cut to the bone and I would run for a season. How could he know what was hidden deep within my heart? Yet without fail, he nailed me more than one time. This last time we had stayed away nine months and I was the most miserable person on the face of the earth.
I needed answers and quick. Was the place okay or were they all crazy? Was this where Jesus wanted me to come, or did I need to run far and fast? I had to find out; the limbo was killing me. I remember that night as clearly as yesterday. Alone and hidden on the side of my bed, I began crying out for answers, not just casual tears, but deep gut wrenching sobs.
Softly “Isaiah 43” floated into my ears. At first, I brushed it away. “Isaiah 43,” came again. I felt like I was losing my mind on top of it all. What in the world was Isaiah 43, I didn’t know? “Isaiah 43”
Maybe, just maybe, it was a Scripture. Grabbing my Bible, I flipped to the index and started scanning names. Isaiah jumped off the page at me. Maybe, just maybe there would be a 43. If there were, what would it say? Was this church where God wanted me to be or was I losing my mind? I flipped to the page listed and began looking for an Isaiah 43.
Amazingly, it was there. “But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel,” The words said Jacob but I heard my name spoken as I read it. The Lord created me; I was not just an accident that happened. He formed me, as incredulous as it sounded.
“Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour:”
Answers, I found answers for my weary heart. He called me by name. He wanted me. No matter what happened, He was with me. He was my Savior. I had found the place I belong at last. Everything was going to be all right. I was home.
I think you captured the feelings of many with this piece, Joyce. People live in fear and self-loathing and wander aimlessly and can relate to your experience. It’s interesting that people riddled with such problems look askance at the church as though the parishioners are amiss! Of course we understand why that is.
I can tell that it was a bit of a struggle to keep the word count at or near 500. It was for me. When faced with limitatios, it is a real task to write lean and focused. I believe you nailed it.
One thing I always like about your pieces, Joyce, is the presentness (for lack of a better word) of your relationship with the Lord. I like to hear about him speaking to other people! It gives me confidence that I’m not imagining it when I believe he speaks to me!