Rock Writers’ Guild

          What can I say to help them understand that I have not gone insane or fallen prey to a cult? Especially since there are so many Christians who are Christians in name only, and whose devotion to Christ stops rather abruptly at the church door. Also, they have many times been wounded by hell-fire preachers or rough-handed evangelists. As have I. So when I use the same words they have heard so many times before, it is hard for them to realize that it could actually be true. That I truly was changed. That my life is no longer the same.
          They see that I am still occasionally selfish and short-tempered. They see that I continue to be rather too fond of my own opinions and make mistakes that a wiser person would have dodged. In other words, I am still far from sainthood… so what’s different?
          A line I read in a book today put it in sharp focus. It was describing a rough man, an angry and a wild man whose bitterness and desire for total independence had led him to a point of agonizing loneliness. For the first time he realized what the end results of his current way of living would be, and, the book said, “He lost faith in himself.”
          I guess that’s what happened to me. I lost faith in myself.

          I think, like a lot of people, I started out confident that life was going to go my way. I had all these ideas about the kind of adult I was going to be. I was going to marry once and forever, be a wonderful understanding mother who always had time to play, be artistically fullfilled, financially secure, and admired by all who knew me. I was always going to keep my temper, keep my house clean, and accomplish great things before I died.
          Slowly, time eats away at our ideals. We discover that we are not beautiful, not intelligent or not strong. We were not born to rich parents and are not going to be a Harvard lawyer and drive a BMW coupe. Not in the in-set. Not particularly gifted. Not going to be first string. Not going to be asked to the prom, earn a scholarship, or land a good job.
          The “nots” start to pile up. Not going to make it in marriage. Not going to have enough to live on. Not going to be able to handle alcohol. Not going to stay faithful. Not even going to be a good parent…
          Oh, I suppose there are some people who seem to be born under a rising star, for whom everything works out they way they expected. But I think a lot more of us are surprised (and even shocked) to look up one day and realized where we’ve gotten to. Where we ended up. And how many miles away it was from where we wanted to go in the first place!
          Homeless.    Addicted.    Divorced.    Estranged.    Imprisoned.    Depressed.    Broke.    Lost.    Ill.    Alone.    Abused.    Ashamed.
          Does that sound familiar? Even the people who seem to have got what they wanted on the surface are often sick and empty on the inside. They won only to find out that victory was hollow, and they are haunted by their own lives.
          It happened to me. I was intelligent, born to a relatively good family, went to good schools. People said I was gifted, told me my whole future was before me, said I could be anything I wanted to be! I earned a scholarship to an honors program at college, and set off in pursuit of my dream.
          A few years later, my marriage had crashed, I was suicidally depressed, broke, couldn’t get a decent job, pregnant by another man before my divorce was anywhere near final….and as a last straw, when the precious wonderful little baby came, I discovered that I was floundering on the edges of child abuse. I was a child abusing, mentally unstable divorcee with no dreams, no plans, no self-esteem, and no prospects.
          I lost faith in myself. I lost faith in my ability to change. I lost faith in my ability to control myself, to control my anger. I lost faith in my ability to even be a good person. Years of counselling didn’t help. I stayed in a slough of depression and misery. I would have done anything to escape, but how can I escape who I am? Wherever I went, the mess would have followed me. I longed to commit suicide. I fantasized about it constantly.
          I was the problem! And I couldn’t do anything to fix it. The parliament of my life had voted a vote of no confidence. I truly had no confidence in myself anymore. Like Paul said, I looked upon my righteousness, and behold, it was filthy rags!
          The bible says, “It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in man.” Ps 118:8. I have found that to be true. In the years since I put my faith in God, my self-esteem has slowly crept back. Self-esteem really means how you “esteem” yourself, or how you measure your own worth. As I began to obey God, to obey the commands of Jesus, I felt better about the things I was doing. No wonder- I was doing better things!
          I was eventually even delivered from the suicidal thoughts. It happened one day as I was sitting at my kitchen table praying about two years ago. Though I have struggled with depression since, I have never wanted to kill myself again. My marriage has mended. I love my husband more now, after ten years of marriage, than I did in the first blush of our affair back then. And I am a MUCH better wife to him! I am a better mother, too.
          I still wrestle with anger, but as my heart has healed, there isn’t as much bitterness and rage to spew out when I’m put under pressure. And as my mind and emotions have become healthier, I have new opportunities to use my gifts, to help others, to be a blessing to people and not a shrill, bad-natured curse.
          It has helped me to understand that I am not, and never will be really good. But I don’t have to be. I just have to love and serve the God who is all good, all the time. And to know that he loves me and he’s washing me clean one bit at a time. Some day (probably long after I am dead and buried and translated to his throne room where he can get a better grip on me) he will have finished the job. I will be spit-shined brand-spanking-new. Glory!
          I only wish I could be perfect now! I guess I’m impatient for all the work to be done. But it helps to think back and be grateful for everything He’s already done. Like David said,

“How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!…
…I was facing death, and then he saved me.
Now I can rest again,
for the Lord has been so good to me.
He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling…
The Lord’s loved ones are precious to Him…”
                                     -Ps 16: 5,7,8 & 15

         Just think- I am precious to him! Back then, I don’t thing I was precious to anybody- least of all myself. I probably would have said I hated myself.
          How many times have you heard someone say, “Believe in yourself! Have faith in yourself!” What rot! All I could do for myself was get into a big mess and nearly ruin my life. But what God has done for me! Oh, people, look and see: he has done everything for me!

“Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Oh, the joys of those who trust in him!
Let the Lord’s people show him reverence,
For those who honor him will have all they need.
Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry,
But those who trust in the Lord will never lack
Any good thing.”          -Ps 34:9&10

          One of the things unbelievers often say when the subject of God come up is, “Well, you may need that, Angela, but I just don’t.” What they say is true. I do need it. I can’t live without it. I need God about like I need breath. Without his intervention, I firmly believe that I would have eventually destroyed myself and my family. It’s not far-fetched. Look at any newspaper. People do it all the time. Drink, drugs, a gun to the forehead, a quick accident in the car…
          I need God. I need Jesus. I don’t see it as a weakness anymore, like Marx’s “Opiate of the Masses.” To admit what you need and go where you need to go to get it seems like good sense to me. I needed love, help, healing, and hope. I found it in abundant, unfailing amounts. And He didn’t ask for my medical insurance or my credit card number! He gave it to me because I needed it, He had it, and I was his loved one, precious to him.
          So many people still have faith in themselves, faith in their ability to handle things, confidence that they have it all figured out. Or if they don’t, that they will have tomorrow, next week, or next year. They’re flying it solo, and they don’t need any hocus pocus religious blankity blank help!
          If you’re one of those people, all I can say to you is OK. Do it yourself. But if, possibly, today or tomorrow or next year, things don’t quite work out… if things fall apart….if you get hurt and lose faith in yourself, cry out!   Cry out to the Lord in your suffering and he will hear you.   He will set you free from what you’re afraid of!   For Christ stands guard over all who fear him, and he rescues them.   The bible says so.    Psalms 34, verses 6 & 7.
          Look it up for yourself.